Once upon a time, before I started working in abortion care, I worked in pro-choice public policy. It was there that I discovered my love for reproductive justice issues and when I left Washington for New Jersey, I knew that I would continue to work in the pro-choice movement somehow, some where. Later, when I began my life as an abortion provider, I began to revisit my life in pro-choice policy work. Specifically the language the greater pro-choice movement uses. As I talked to patients and other providers and started to really understand the stigma that surrounds abortion, I began to realize that we in the pro-choice movement often (unknowingly) contribute to the stigmatizing language of abortion.
How often do we hear pro-choice leaders, or ourselves, talk about abortion as a “sad and tragic choice” or talk about the need to “reduce the number of abortions” in the U.S.? How many of us say, “I think abortion should be legal, but I would never have one” or “I don’t really like abortion, but I think it should be legal” or, the ever popular, “I’m not pro-abortion, but I am pro-choice”?
The problem with this language is that we are constantly reinforcing the idea that abortion is something that is always negative. Something you really shouldn’t do. Instead of acknowledging our mixed feelings with an honest examination of why we feel the way we do, we tend to fall back on the standard pro-choice platitudes, if we talk about abortion at all. And here we are again. Silent. Apologetic. Stigmatizing.
And even those of us who know that abortion, while often a sad experience, can also be a positive experience (the decision that allows someone to: complete their education, leave an abusive relationship, care for children that are already here, see that she has reached a point in her life where it’s time to make a change, continue drug treatment, continue cancer treatment, the list goes on and on) tend to not speak out publically for fear of having our words misunderstood or used against us in some way (But really, is something that is sad always bad? Sadness, loss and grieving are all parts of life that make us human—and our ability to navigate these experiences is what makes us who we are. And let’s be realistic, not every decision to continue a pregnancy to term has a happy outcome).
It all comes back to the problem of complexity—we live in a world where we focus on simple statements to get our points across and very little about abortion (or any reproductive health concern) is simple. Pregnancy doesn’t happen in a vacuum—it happens in the context of individual lives and encompasses everything within that person’s life—it’s about life & death, money, religion, love, the future and the past… it’s BIG. But unfortunately, we don’t often acknowledge this bigness in the public debate about abortion and pregnancy options. How often do we hear some talking head say that the answer to the abortion “problem” is to promote adoption (or, better yet, pay women to choose adoption). Or just, increase access to birth control. Or just, show a woman a picture of her ultrasound, because she might not understand what it means to be pregnant.
All of these messages—that abortion is a “sad and tragic” decision, something to be reduced, something that a really simple solution could make go away—contribute to the stigma that surrounds abortion and continues to keep women who choose abortion, their families, partners and friends, silent.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to tackle this problem for nearly six years and still don’t have a real answer. When I went to the national summit for the pro-choice policy organization that I used to work for, I brought this very issue up during a roundtable discussion and was told that even considering talking about abortion in a new, more positive light would lose elections, so it’s not worth it. In the end, so much of this debate, this “culture war” really is just about winning elections, not about what is good for real people (which is perhaps why real people are so often left out of these conversations).
So, for now, I just keep doing what I do. When I speak with patients, friends, family, folks at the yoga studio or next to me on a plane about what I do for a living, I try to talk about all the complex parts of the issue— the sad parts and the positive, life affirming stuff too. And I hope that somewhere I’m planting a seed of change in the way we talk about these complex issues.
While there are many positive outcomes, I think we have to be open about all aspects of abortion, including the sadness. You’re right that the language can serve to further stigmatize women who make this choice, but I believe it is also used in a critical context: the fight to keep abortion legal. You make an important point, and those who talk about the sadness should also be acknowledging the positive outcomes for women in terms of health, safety and quality of life. But I think in this polarizing debate, we can’t shy away from this common ground. And who knows? Maybe acknowledging the sadness and complex range of feelings will also help women not feel like the hard-hearted criminals the other side tries to make them out to be.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
While abortion is never a “fun” choice, the action can be empowering. It can bring a huge sense of relief and peace. You’re right, we need to acknowledge this.
The tragedy is that a woman finds herself facing an unwanted pregnancy and being forced to make a choice. But the choice she makes is not a tragedy, it’s her solution.
We need to stop referring to abortion as the “sad and tragic” event, and remind people (and politicians/policy-makers) the real “sad and tragic” problem is unwanted pregnancies and the lack of education and health care that usually causes them.
Thanks jonigolden and Criss for your thoughtful responses.
jonigolden: I agree that we should be open about all the different responses that women may have to the decision to end a pregnancy. And certainly, feelings of sadness and loss often accompany the decision even when a woman feels 100% certain that she is making the right decision for her life and her family. In fact, when we meet with patients at their follow-up visits, most women will say that they felt both sadness and relief after their procedures– a complex mix of emotions for sure– and something that we should all be able to acknowledge and talk about when talking about abortion.
Thanks for reading and for repsonding!